He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
