You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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