Who wears a wallet chain?!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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