My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm getting married
To pizza
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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