oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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