dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
you made out with another girl for some wings
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
