Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
