just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
