u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude