Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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