I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
