You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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