Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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