nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
