I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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