I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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