dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Randomize
