Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
