I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
