I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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