You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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