I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
