I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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