I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
