It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
