That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
