Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
