I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
