I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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