Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
