My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
