Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
