u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
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You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
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Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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