but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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