Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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