im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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