Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
