No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
it was like eating out sand paper
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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