I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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