Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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