so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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