i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
