so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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