If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
