I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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