i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
