If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
