im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
