Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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