I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
