totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
