if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
