I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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