Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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