theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
